I'll Take a Homicidal Maniac? Crazy on the Side
by KitKatt20
Summary: Shawn finds out the hard way that not all women are created equal. Or sane, for that matter. Episode Tag for 'Shawn 2.0'


Shawn couldn't believe Gus had just left him here to fend for himself.

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the cowardly pharmaceutical rep retreating down the set of stairs not far from where he stood, plate of food balanced perfectly in front of him for future consumption. He'd love nothing more to go engorge his pent up feelings on the wonderful food as well, provided by a catering company he was pretty sure were known for their three-layer frito pie. He was finding himself quite preoccupied at the moment, though, as the lips of one Gina Reypach smothered over his sealed mouth.

Trying his best not to actually give a voice to his growing distaste, he attempted to pull back and give Gina the signal that this was certainly long enough to show off their public affection. The only result to that stream of action seemed only to encourage her further, her hands reaching around his waist to pull him through the tiny amount of space he had managed to get in between her.

Okay, okay, so maybe he had been a little bit disrespectful when it came to his Gus' current love troubles, but it wasn't like he was without his own. It definitely didn't warrant being left alone on a deserted balcony with a woman who didn't even have enough grace to take a breath mint to eradicate the lingering odor of garlic bread that drifted from her mouth. Oh, yes, Gus would certainly be paying for this later.

Finally drawing up enough courage to put a stop to the forced make out session that was sure to be 'lip-smacking good' in Gina's opinion, Shawn placed two hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her away, since it seemed no other amount of convincing would make her do so. He was relieved that she did move in response, taking a step back and looking at him with an expression that would put even Eeyore's morose face to shame. He mentally berated himself for ever deciding to reinvite such a woman to be his date to the wedding. It wasn't like there was anyone to show off to, other than Gus, who had already voiced his issues on the matter. The whole thing seemed rather pointless, especially since less than a day ago, she had made a threat on his very life.

So it probably wasn't considered the brightest of ideas when a cascade of words started tumbling from his mouth that he couldn't necessarily control, reiterating his feelings toward her from the previous day.

"Look, Gina... This has been fun and all, but I don't think this is going to work out..." He wanted to say it fast, so he wouldn't be influenced by the range of emotions that were sure to flit across her face. The spark behind her eyes in reaction to his first statement didn't seem to bode well for him, but he somehow found the strength to push on, no matter how foolish it was. He struggled with how to word it and how to put it in as simplest terms as possible.

"I... uh, yeah. So there's this thing called chemistry. It's like a science subject with all these chemicals and stuff, and in some ways, it's related to relationships. I guess. And you know how you're not supposed to mix certain things together or it'll explode in your face? That's what we are. We're those two chemicals that shouldn't even be close to each other, and shouldn't be mixed, or else we'll go boom." Shawn imitated an explosion with his hands and felt as if he were talking to a kid with his juvenile explanation, but he honestly didn't have any other way to demonstrate his feelings without her going ballistic.

"Are you saying we don't belong together, Shawn?" Gina asked in surprisingly quiet voice. He was still unable to distinguish her facial expression, and that made him worried..

Shawn hesitated for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yeah, that's what I'm trying to say. There are plenty of other guys out there for you, Gina. I'm just not one of them. I hope that's okay." He reached out a hand as if to pat her on the shoulder, but thought better of it and just extended it outward for a handshake, praying that she wouldn't overreact.

A few awkward moments passed by where Gina just stared at Shawn's outstretched hand like it was some kind of foreign object. Shawn was just beginning to withdraw when she moved, so fast that he almost didn't see it. Her hand whipped out to the side, and for a moment, he thought he was going to get slapped, which he considered wholly appropriate in this situation. He momentarily forgot that this was _Gina Reypach_ he was speaking to, and anything appropriate when dealing with her was automatically thrown out the window.

There was a flash of movement, a glint of silver, and a sudden stinging in his right hand.

"GAH!"

Shawn couldn't stop the unmanly yell from escaping through his lips as he moved to grip his hand in an attempt to alleviate the pain coursing through it. He was met with an obstacle though, as he finally registered the long, silver object sticking straight out of his palm. His eyes narrowed in shock.

"You... stabbed me in the hand... with a FORK?"

"My personal preference would have been a chainsaw but, hey, you take what you can get."

Shawn was momentarily stumped by the way Gina had stated that sentence so matter-of-factly, when the meaning behind it was so terrifying. The fork must have dug in about a half inch deep, which was impressive due to the usual bluntness of the silverware. He couldn't even imagine Gina with that kind of power tool, given her reliance with kitchen utensils already.

He was suddenly jolted out of his amazement when she saw the woman reaching once more for the table beside them that housed all the silver weapons she could get her hands on. This time, she seemed intent on picking up the knife. That was pretty much his cue to run away screaming at the top of his lungs. And he proceeded to do so, just a lot quieter than planned. He settled on a perfectly acceptable whimper as he raced down the stairs away from the psycho.

"Where are you going, _Shawnie_? I thought we were going to share our _feelings_!" Gina yelled after him, making no effort to stop from being heard. Many of the wedding guests turned their heads at that, no longer able to resist eavesdropping on the the couple's troubles.

Shawn just kept running across the grass toward a covered dining area he was sure Gus had disappeared to. He knew he should probably take out the fork that was still sticking straight out of his hand, but the ridiculousness of the situation seemed to be getting to him, despite the burning that spiked there as he ran.

An odd whizzing sound suddenly reached his ears and he exhaled a breath of surprise when some type of object was thrown right into his path. He nearly tripped over his own feet as he tried to slide to a stop on the dew-laden ground. His eyes processed the wooden handle of a knife sticking out of the ground in front of him, and he immediately glanced behind him to see where it came from. His heart thudded madly against his chest when he saw Gina, striding across the lawn in his direction with a pile of sharp steak knives in one hand and her other poised backward in a gesture to throw another one at him.

"You have got to be _kidding_ me," Shawn actually voiced aloud, finding that sight enough of a incentive to continue his retreating idea. He flew across the lawn at speeds he didn't even know he was capable of, barreling through the dining area, not caring who he bumped into in his haste. He spotted Gus near the buffet table, once again refilling his plate.

"GUS!" His yelp of relief was immediate as he made his way over to his best friend.

"No, Shawn, you can't have my last chicken wing," Gus replied without even looking up, ladling a spoonful of hot sauce over the other white meat.

"Gus, we... we have to get out of here. She's... going to kill me!" Shawn struggled to say, breathless after his sprint halfway across the property.

"Oh, Gina? I warned you about her Shawn, but did you listen? Noo, you just had to get a date to satisfy your ever-growing ego."

"You can lecture me on my incompetence later! Look what she did to me!" Shawn exclaimed, sacrificing verbal description and jumping straight to pushing his blood-covered palm in Gus's face. Gus, who had just taken a bite of his hot-sauce covered chicken wing, immediately spluttered and started gagging at the sight of the blood, his eyes finally getting a full look at Shawn.

"Du-dude, you have a fork sticking out of your hand!"

Shawn resisted the urge to sigh in exasperation, but couldn't stop the sarcastic "Oh really? I totally didn't notice!" from escaping his mouth. Gus glared at him through his continued choking, but Shawn just shook his head.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter right now. We just have to-"

"SHAWN SPENCER!"

The screech echoed across the grounds as Gina entered the dining area, searching for her prey with animalistic determination.

"Quick! Hide!" Shawn whispered, grabbing Gus by the arm and dragging him under a covered table while following suit. They sat there for a moment, listening to the crazy chick start to flip over tables in search of the duo. A few of the party guests started to confront her, but they were warded off with a vehement hiss and a wave of her knife.

"I can't believe I'm in this situation now. I told you about her, Shawn. I _told_ you." Gus started scolding almost instantly, using his 'radio' voice to speak.

"Hey, what did I say about the lecturing? Can we just focus on figuring out how to get out of this alive?" Shawn replied just as harshly.

"Fine." Gus took out his cell phone and started dialing a number.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing? I'm calling Juliet and Lassiter!"

There was another clash of noise as a table was toppled over, this time closer to where they hid. Shawn's eyes narrowed, his attention on something else. "What? No! No, no, no." He grabbed the phone out of Gus's hands just as he was about to put it to his ear and tucked it into his suit jacket. Gus was incredulous.

"The hell, Shawn?"

"We don't need call them."

A few moments passed where Gus just stared at Shawn, mouth agape. "Are you serious? I'm pretty sure their help would come in handy right now."

"Look, you don't think someone else at this wedding hasn't called in by now? I think a crazy chick wielding a bushel of knives is cause enough for panic."

"Some reassurance would be nice," Gus mumbled, looking down and seeing the fork still lodged in Shawn's hand. Without warning, he grabbed onto it and yanked it out, eliciting a high-pitched cry of surprise and pain from his psychic friend.

"Guus!" Shawn whined, gripping his injured palm with his other hand. "What did you go and do that for?"

Gus disgustedly threw the fork away from him, turning to Shawn with a serious look on his face. "Silver has been known to sometimes be carcinogenic. I didn't want you getting cancer."

"Like hell you did! You totally did that on purpose!"

"Maybe a little..."

Suddenly, their bickering shuddered to a halt as their little hiding place was revealed and the table toppled over. They had been so involved in their conversation that they never gave a thought that Gina might have heard Shawn's squeal. Standing over them, of course, was Gina, her expression wild as she pointed one of her knives at the consultants. "You owe me three dates and two cheesecakes worth of my life back, asshole!"

Both Shawn and Gus just looked up at her, frozen in their positions as if one single move would lead to their imminent demise. Eventually, Shawn did react, albeit slowly. He stood up, holding his hands in the air in surrender, his eyes never leaving the blade in front of him.

"So... I guess this means we can't kiss and make up?"

Gina's eyes glazed over somewhat at the mention of getting back together. Shawn wasn't sure what disturbed him more: the fact that after all this, she believed that he would be insane enough to get back together with her, or that she was so desperate for love that she considered getting back together with the guy that set her off the deep end.

"Really, Shawn? Do you mean it?"

"Yeah, of course I..."

He was about to go along with it, he really was. But the thought of this happening all over again seemed to convince him otherwise, and in a moment of sheer panic, he turned on his heel and started to run in the opposite direction. There was a shriek of rage behind him and the thudding of feet before the smaller body collided into his, sending them crashing into the buffet table. Every different kind of dessert and entree showered down on them as Gina started pounding him with her fists.

Shawn was distracted for a moment from the onslaught of girl power by the splashing of what smelled like boiling-hot coffee all over his chest, seeping through his clothes and burning his skin on contact. He hissed through his teeth, but once the initial shock had worn off he set about trying to defend himself from each punch directed toward his face and chest, each one that was landing sure to cause a bruise.

"Gus!" Shawn yelled desperately, grabbing onto Gina's wrists to stop her from further inducing more harm onto him. For the record, he was totally not being beat up by a girl. Gina's psycho tendencies certainly bumped her up to to Superwoman category in his book, so he had no problem prompting the help of his best friend in this situation. Gus seemed to be shuffling around trying to find something as a weapon, and Shawn couldn't believe the nerve of it.

"Lenny Baker! Lenny Baker!" He yelled, hoping Gus would get it.

Gus paused in his search, thinking about what Shawn just said. "The_ Greenwich Village_ actor or your 12 year old laser tag rival?"

Gina seemed to be abandoning her attempt to beat Shawn to death and was now trying to wrap her fingers around his neck, a much easier access point. Strangulation was always a good alternative.

"Laser tag!" Shawn choked out, still finding it hard to believe that Gus needed that kind of clarification.

Lenny Baker was a local legend when it came to the Santa Barbara laser tag league. Every other week during the summer Shawn and Gus would challenge him and his team of middle schoolers to a fight to the death, many of which ended up with them losing. Needless to say, he and Gus had spent countless hours perfecting strategies to use against every one of their members, no matter how ineffective they were. The Lenny Baker Strategy had always been a favorite of Shawn's, though.

Shawn's eyes bulged as Gina found her target, wrapping her perfectly manicured claws around his vulnerable neck. He tried to stop her by grabbing various cake and pie pieces and shoving them in her face, but she was definitely determined to never let go. Shawn was starting to see spots in his vision before a shadow stepped over them.

There was an echoing _thunk_ and Gina's grip finally went lax. She slumped over on top of Shawn, unconscious. Shawn took an enormous breath, trying to get the lightheadedness to go away before he quickly pushing the woman off of him, struggling to his feet. Gus stood next to him, patting him on the back to make sure he got enough air. An oval-shaped silver platter with a huge dent in it held loosely in his other hand.

"That..." Shawn said while taking deep breath, giving Gus a disapproving look. "Wasn't the Lenny Baker Strategy."

"Shawn, that strategy involved screaming like a wild man and flapping your arms like a gorilla in order to confuse an opponent. Neither of those sounded very helpful in your situation."

"I still think it could have worked..."

The sound of sirens suddenly floated through the air, headed in their direction. Shawn looked positively thrilled at the noise. "Oh, hey, look at that, Gus. The police are coming. I told you we didn't need Juliet's help."

Gus looked at him with a raised brow and Shawn suddenly realized his mistake. "Juliet _and Lassiter's_ help, I mean." Gus still seemed to be reading his thought on the matter, and he immediately switched to another subject.

"I, uh, I think I'm going to have to change my address so, you know, she doesn't come stalking me after she gets out of jail..." He brought out his iPhone, ignoring the sting in his hand as he started fiddling with it. Gus was intent to just glare at Shawn for the moment, until he saw something on the small screen that caught his eye. He strode forward to get a closer look.

Gus's expression hardened as he deadpanned, "Shawn, why are you replacing your address with mine?"

Shawn just grinned. "Dude, you're single now. Gina is totally your type."

A moment of silence.

"...Gug you, Shawn."


End file.
